As clearly as one can remember anything after shots of Burnette’s, I remember the very first small penis I ever saw. In hindsight he wasn’t really that small (width saved him) but at the time I’d only seen maybe three penises up close and the lighting in his apartment bathroom was very unforgiving. Years later, I follow his current girlfriend on Instagram and often wonder what her life is about.You fuck a small penis on the regular. What’s that like? Maybe she doesn’t know all the inches the world has to offer. I’ve had sex with men that could change the state of your vagina for good. Straight up childbirth status! Those types of penises have their time and place and drawbacks too but I’d always wondered WHAT IS IT LIKE?! Do you feel like you’re giving something up? Is there something apparently missing before, during or after? Are you unfulfilled every time you get naked?
And then…I had sex with a small penis.
And had many orgasms.
There is one very clear idea women must understand before engaging in relations with a small penis. You are not going to get fucked. You have to do the fucking. It’s the idea that a small-membered man can fuck and please you that makes small penis sex such a fail.
The second small penis I ever saw got much closer than the first. He tricked me with notable oral sex techniques and when the time came for the big show it felt more like a commercial break. Like, seriously. I was laying there wondering if he had even put it in and he’s just humping his life away to no avail. That moment ended with me pretending I’d had too too may drinks and was feeling quite sick. This is the same technique I used when faced with the third small penis I’d ever seen. It was in a car on the expressway headed home because apparently it’s the new wave to give girls lots of shit and or suggest sexual favors as payment for taking them home after a night out (we will discuss this later).
It was the fourth and final small penis I had ever seen that I gave a chance. Surprisingly too, he was the smallest of the small but I still managed to make it work. A few times.
Whenever I see commercials for diapers, I’m reminded of two funny stories. Both are truly “you had to be there” moments, so I’m taking a risk even trying to explain this to you all.
Me and my extended family took a trip to Disney World a few years ago and we stayed in this amazing resort with the most magical looking outdoor pool setup. You know how sometimes things you can’t even eat make your mouth water? It was like that. Of course, we had to swim our first night there. The problem was we hadn’t had a chance to pick up those fancy water-proof swimming diaper thingies for my baby cousin, Michael. I wasn’t about to deal with the tears, so we slapped some regular diapers on ‘em and went about our business. I figured he was so small that he wouldn’t dare leave the confines of his floating car toy anyway. You’re an idiot, Christine.
Right out of the gate, there goes Nemo trying to get lost again.
He didn’t get too far though, because apparently my aunt buys freakishly absorbent diapers. He sank like a rock and screamed as if being attacked by an ax murderer, while his diaper sucked in about a foot of pool water. Laughter inhibited my life guarding skills, but he made it. My little baby is six now, I can hardly handle it.
Rewind to four years before this incident…
I’m fourteen years old and my church youth group takes a trip to Wisconsin. Mother Nature decided I wasn’t going to have any fun and I’d be better off watching as my friends splashed around in the pool. Little did Mother Nature know my sister was also in this youth group and my mom was a chaperon. Score! One person to steal my first tampon from and the other to explain what the heck I was supposed to do with it.
Unfortunately, my mom was no help. But who can really be of assistance when the only other thing that had gone “down below” was a towel and some Ivory soap. At that point, I thought urine and babies came from the same mysterious hole. Once again, you’re an idiot, Christine.
After tapping on the tampon a few times as if testing a microphone, I decided it was safe enough for insertion. So, I shoved it in. I kept pushing until it hurt too bad. I figured I could deal with a little bit of it sticking out and how was I to know it was crooked? I didn’t exactly have the best angle!
As I waddled in discomfort back to the pool, you couldn’t tell me shit. I had beaten nature with an oversized cotton ball on a string. Little did I know that once that bit of tampon sticking out of me touched the water, I’d cause a drought in the greater Wisconsin area. I was in shock— it was pain I had never experienced. I stood there waist-deep in the water, completely pale and void of emotion. That tampon was preparing my vagina to birth quintuplets, and I had no clue what to do.
Do any of you ladies have funny period stories? I have a few more that involve blood stains and public embarrassment, but those are more on the tragic side.
Was there a certain smell in the air? I’d imagine it’s something similar to knowing when rain is coming. Tell me, how is it that men know to text you as soon as you’re getting over them? At the very moment you’ve gone a full week thinking nothing of them, suddenly there’s the number. Just the number, because of course you’ve deleted him from your life
…except for Facebook. Let’s not go that far. How else would you be able to see what he’s up to and, more importantly, call the next chick trash?
Ten digits you wish you didn’t have memorized flashing repeatedly right in your hand. What could he possibly want? The answer: to fuck your world up—the world you’d spent weeks piecing back together. Why? Because he’s selfish.
That’s just where I’m coming from,