Sometimes I feel bad for constantly suggesting that you all watch porn as a means of enhancing your sex life. I get that watching other people have sex isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. But watching porn isn’t just about getting yours when you’re horny and alone. I think it can really help those who are timid sexually. It gives you the opportunity see the wild world we live in and experience the variety of fun and pleasure out there. And I honestly don’t wanna see the kind of sex you’re having if you feel uncomfortable watching others do it (snooze fest fa sho’). Porn will get you over that “Icky! we’re naked” playground-cooties bullshit quick. And a lot of you need it (I’m talking to you “I don’t give head” girl). 

‘Cause what’s my motto? If you’re going to do it, do it! All out. As few inhibitions as possible. I acknowledge that sex is an important act but if you aren’t married and planning a family, it should be the best time—every time! 

In the spirit of encouraging porn viewership, I’m going to share some of the notable spins, turns, dips, and summersaults I see in the XXX world so we can all figure out ways to implement them in our own sex lives. Really, I’m using this as a sexual wish list. I’m adding these moves to my shopping cart in hopes that I find a sugar daddy trying to “Checkout Now”. 

I remember this one video like it was yesterday. It was moreso a home made sex tape situation than porno, which is my preference if you needed to know. Anyways, the woman was riding in reverse cowgirl and just as she was about to finish, the guy hooks both of his arms under her thighs, pulls her up and throws that thang right on his face. It was the most seamless 69 I’ve ever seen. It was 10s across the board. The seamlessness of it all i was turned me on most. I remember once, freshmen year, my good friend was telling me about the sex she had the night before. She was describing how it was extremely hot in the room so, she told him she couldn’t stand it anymore. The guy lifts her off the bed and turns on the fan all while continuing to fuck her. This blew our little minds then. Still kinda does.  I love a man that is assertive in all areas of life including the bedroom. Make your moments bold and sure. Know where you want me and how you want me. Tell me what’s up ‘cause I definitely have no problem letting you know some things. 

The other aspect of this little move that really wet my whistle was that he interrupted her stroke to pay closer attention to the V. He pulled the vagina OFF of his dick. Like, dude…I don’t know what it is but there’s something to be said for stopping mid stroke just to have a few licks. I won’t say it, but there IS something to be said, gents! 

So, remember, he hooked his arms under her thighs. He pulled her up with his forearms, not hands. Probably not important, but visually it was tops. 

Christine 

Ladies, will you be adding this to your wishlist? It’s so simple, why not? What have YOU seen on the triple-X screen lately? 

You know those times when a funny memory is triggered at the sight of a certain place or bite of a certain food or whiff of a certain scent liquor? I may be alone in this but times like these are my favorite times, just, ever! Like, laughing to myself about something only I understand or remember at a time or place that is more than likely extremely inappropriate—you guys! Fuck catching the clock at 11:11. Fuck “see a penny, pick it up”. Fuck trains that run express when I’m late for work. Laughing to myself at my own expense in an unlikely public forum is the greatest combination of things. At school, I had tons of these moments to keep me busy through a day of classes. If the weekend was a full-blown Wed-Sat marathon, there were likely things I didn’t remember Sunday that would come to me in a flash Monday morning and leave me Home-Aloning my face in the back row of Public Speaking. 

Some of the best of these moments came as a result of sex. Duh! Ok, so, like, do we all know what “sex-legs” are? Not sure why I asked, ‘cause I’m certain I just made it up. Anyway, sex-legs are what you’re left with after a night of serious sexing. The sex was more unusual (new positions, etc), lasted longer or was  more strenuous on your body (thighs specifically). The good part about sex-legs is that they don’t leave you completely crippled no matter how hard your lover may have tried. But, the positive quickly turns south as the day goes on and your legs are put to the test. “The test” being climbing stairs and sitting in chairs. Funnily enough, stairs and chairs are what most college campuses have in excess. 

So, imagine you leave your house jolly and fine. A bitch just had sex last night, gon’ girl!! You reach your classroom building amidst the huddled masses and are shocked to discover you may need the elevator. 

Y’all! I think the laughter comes to mask the pain. We were fine the whole way over, what’s the issue? My legs are so shocked at the sudden debilitating weight of my body. They’re confused and asking questions. Suddenly, I think I need to go home. A chick isn’t even killing these steps on a good day. I don’t need more excuses to take my time. What else can I do but laugh and move  right to let people pass. I take the widest possible turns on each landing before the next flight. I’m 5 minutes late and can’t imagine getting up to leave after what it took to bend down into the desk chair. 

I’d typically spend the whole class giggling about how ridiculous life is and wondering what specific act during the sex left me in such a predicament. Then I’d text my roommate: “We’re gonna start working out after we finish those frozen pizzas, mmkay?” 

So, ladies, if you’re like me and have a figure maintained by skipping breakfast, leaving the food pyramid up to a plate of nachos and keeping your fingers crossed, we’re getting our acts together right this minute. Because there are those times when you’re on top and the P isn’t giving up the goods. Most ladies have a limit for the amount of time they can take on top—that moment when you really can’t muster up one more bounce, twerk, grind, shake, hiccup, nothing! My last lover would let me rock it til’ the wheels fell off. I’d say, “Baby, I’m tired” and he’d say, “I know. I can feel you shaking”. Well, damn! Hop in here any time, buddy. The person who can do the most push-ups, does all the work is my rule (See also: person who owns running tights and person who wears watch capable of assisting in minor surgery). Even still, I’d like it if I could do maybe ten push-ups (or five).  

Ok, onto the workout, which I made up randomly. I’m not Googling shit (proper names of body parts or muscles or none of that) so, deal. 

First is my favsies because I do it in my heels. Does anyone else wear their heels around the house when no one’s home? No? Well, in my life and times I’ve done lots of naked (and underweared) dancing in front of the mirror. I just enjoy it. And I think I’m going to make that a requirement for this exercise. Because you should like the way you look and be able to relish in it especially if you’re wanting someone else to. [And it will definitely help build your esteem. I remember when I was in high school and a little younger I had such an issue with my stretch marks. Now, I think I’ve stared them down so often, I don’t even notice them.] So, turn on a song of your choice, preferably up-beat. Put your heels on and get ready to do some squats! The heels will help keep your whole leg engaged in trying to maintain balance and your legs will look great in the mirror because everything looks better in heels. Do one squat and come up. Half of that is what we’re shooting for. Position yourself at the halfsies mark and stay there. Now, bounce from that position down to a full to the beat of the music. Do that for an eight count then come all the way up on one leg (knee still slightly bent on the standing leg), and wiggle the other leg to the side for four counts. I mean, I do a dirty girl dancing in the club wiggle but if “Hokey Pokey” wiggle helps you picture it, fine. Essentially, you’re dancing. It’s supposed to be fun. Switch legs. Wiggle the other then get back down into that squat bounce. This may not sound like much, but, honey, in 4-5 inches, two songs will be pushing it. Two songs, 6-8 minutes a day. That’s a quick little sweat to start or end the day.  

After the squats, do however many push-ups you’re comfortable with and slowly build up over days or weeks or whatever. I’m at three! Haven’t decided yet whether doing them on the bed makes it easier or more difficult. My body isn’t ready for it either way. In my mind, push-ups on the bed would better prepare you for real world application, ya know? But what do I know?

It would also behove us to strengthen our core muscles which is where all the power behind our “stroke” comes from. Planking  for 30 seconds is a good quick way. Too, you can lay on your back and lift your legs up a few inches off the ground (ankles together) and hold this position. Lift your legs up until your lower tummy burns a little. You can hold that position for 30 seconds and call it a day. Or grab a ball or whatever you have in your house (a weight, whatever), lift it over your head (with both hands) and bring the ball down and legs up to meet. Lower your legs but don’t let them touch the ground. Repeat. 

Sound like a good place to start, right? I’m jealous of all of you out there that can run for miles and all that jazz. Must be nice. I know some of you are going to ask “What’s the normal limit for time on top?” It shouldn’t be any brief amount of time. Nowhere in the seconds. Longer than a few minutes. Ideally you should be able to bring it on home on top. Like knowing how to build a fire, it’s a survival skill. Times might get hard. Famine may sweep the land. Your lover may have less enthusiastic days. Sprained ankle. Bad sandwich. What’s a girl to do? Live without? Ummmm… 

Any questions about certain positions ailing you? Need tips on how to make certain things work better for your body or environment or whatever? Let’s come up with something!

ASK

Christine 

This will not be the typical SEXURDAY post as there aren’t any real tips or tricks hidden throughout. I just need to have a quick chat with you all about how necessary it is to feel comfortable telling current and future lovers how you like things done. I told a story once about how a thirty-year old lured me into a date and nearly drowned me in saliva in front of my own home. For the record, when I say “lured”, I mean he suggested Mexican and paid. When I say “drowned”, I mean my eyes have seen the pearly gates. I wondered, in that particular post, how a man his age could have gone so long kissing the way he did. None of his previous girlfriends thought to address the problem? Did his previous girlfriends start the problem? Who’s to blame for letting this man run wild in the streets, hunting young prey at nightclubs, taking them to classy Mexican eateries and returning them to their fathers blue in the face and gagging? Admittedly, I said nothing. Maybe wiping my mouth with my sleeve from elbow to wrist was a sign? If so, it was the only one. Should I have said something? I mean, this guy is thirty-one now and likely serving some kind of sentence for attempted murder. 

Whenever I’m asked an advice question along the lines of “How do I get him/her to…?” the answer (though, it sometimes takes me a paragraph or two to get there) is always, “just ask!”. When it comes down to it, this is a person you’re swapping spit with. He’s seen you naked and vice versa. You’ve seen his cum face and experienced the moments of silence afterward where he’s trying to pull himself together. He’s seen your body wiggle in some of the most unsightly positions. At this point, we’re all family! 

Let me hit you with some dude logic real quick, ladies. Men love sex. Men will do things for sex that they won’t do for things that are not sex. Men love sex. So, telling a man to put his hands here, or lick you there, or lift your leg this way or stop doing this or that or the other thing affects absolutely nothing as long as penis is meeting vagina at the end of the day. And things are REALLY a wrap if your request comes while penis has already met vagina. Remember being a master manipulator when you were a child? You knew exactly which parent or uncle or aunt to ask for whatever useless toy you wanted. Mommy for candy. Dad for cute stuffed animals. Grandparents for anything over $25 with no major holiday in sight. Now’s the time to resurrect those skills. Anything you’ve seen/heard enacted in a movie or retold during girl talk is fair game when your lover is in full swing. As long as your request doesn’t begin with “Put your dick in the blender”, you’re golden. 

Note: Dudes, for chicks like me, asking to put your penis is my butt is the equivalent of “Put your dick in the blender”. Just so ya know. 

BUT here comes the part where things start to sound contradictory. I’m reading a book currently where the author suggests men are just as self-conscious as women. Surprising to some because chicks always get a bad wrap when it comes to self-esteem and all things overly emotional, but dudes give a shit about what they look like and how they’re perceived by others too. It’s just, like, not something to whine about. I lived with a dude for a year and definitely caught him flexing and lotioning his body in the mirror more than a few times. He also ran his outfit choices by me sometimes. Dudes care! So, when it comes to intimate requests having to do with a man’s physique or qualities/attributes beyond his control, things need to be handled with a certain finesse. For example, say you’re having sex with a sweater (ie: a man who sweats profusely, not a GAP clearance item, you weirdo). Theeeee absolute worst! You haven’t quite lived until you’ve had the sweat from a man’s brow splash repeatedly on your bottom lip mid-banging. This is one of those comments that is best said while penis has already met vagina. What could possibly sound bitchy in the day light while your naughty bits are clothed and at rest, is the most inconsequential request while his penis is at work. “You’re sweating on me!” will be the sexiest thing he’s ever heard, promise. 

There are some requests or corrections that need to be made very clear whether things get bitchy or not. My friend was telling me about a recent rendezvous where the dude was slapping her ass repeatedly. Not the “Oo baby! I like that” intermittent slaps, but like, next day delivery on the Pony Express. Giddyup! I was so confused that anyone would ever think that was okay, I made her repeat it several times. “So, wait, he was slapping you continuously?” Yes, non-fucking stop! This is one of those things that needs to be stopped before it even starts. You don’t want this dude thinking for a second that this is actually something you like in case you ever get black-out drunk or desperate enough to let him your bed again. If you experience a dude doing something with his hands that he shouldn’t be doing, grab that hand immediately and give it a better job. Obvious default positions are boobies and clitoris. Your clit is the more deliberate choice. If you put his hands on your boobs, he may take a few squeezes and continue on wrangling imaginary cattle. But that’s an important note for any sex move or position that your lover is doing that you don’t like. Don’t tell them to stop. Instead, suggest something else you’d like them to do. That way, you’re not little miss bitchy pants sex expert, but a cool chick that knows what she likes. 

Overall, I’d say the best advice I could give to anyone looking to correct things they don’t like about their lover’s lovin’ is more action, less words (but really, whichever gets the job done). I mean, don’t we get enough use of words in our everyday lives anyway? When it comes to sexytime, it’s more about the “show” than the “tell”.

Christine 

 Questions go HERE. 

I wish so badly that fingering was like food or travel, a socially acceptable thing to be enthusiastic about, so I could add it to my Twitter or LinkedIn bios. Like, “Fingering enthusiast who enjoys Mexican food and the theater. REALLY enjoys getting fingered at the theater while eating Mexican food”. Seriously. When I hit it big I want that to be my “thing”. During interviews, the little runner mabobble at the bottom will read: Christine Rose, Writer & Avid Fingeree (or some such equivalent). 

Does this make me fifteen? Maybe. Surely not what I was up to then, but at twenty-two I’m really digging everything between first and third base (Or second base? What are the bases these days?). Basically, all things covered in that Full House make out party episode. Does anyone remember that? Did/Do make out parties actually happen? I’ve been fascinated with this since my spelling bee days so if you were popping zits, piercing your own ears and sneaking out of the house between ‘94-‘96, let me know: fact or fiction?

In any case, if sex were a meal at Bennigan’s (What, Christine? But really, how often do I WISH sex were a meal at Bennigan’s?), this girl doesn’t mind ordering an appetizer for the main course. Their potato skins are a sour cream-topped chunk of heaven. 

Like a good potato skin, fingering and all that good stuff pre-sex are things that should be savored. Once penis meets vagina there’s really no telling how much more care and concern [for your orgasm] your guy is going to give. He’ll likely get nut-brain, go hazy and forget where your clitoris is. So, ladies, do enjoy all those moments pre-main event when he’s still trying to “sell” you on the idea. Let him believe he has to get things slippery enough that you can’t say no. This is the best advice you could take, shawty. Promise. It’s also more likely that you’ll have an orgasm during intercourse or, hopefully, some solid O’s or almost-O’s beforehand. While the flipping and dipping of sex is always a good time, women need a certain level of relaxation to achieve an orgasm (slow and steady wins the race). If you’re tossing me like stir fry I can’t really get my focus on and end up with a lot of almosts and no home run (almost-O’s are only fun when followed by the real thing). Fingering typically provides a nice steady pace and close attention to all the areas that really matter in the vaginal cave of wonders. 

Dudes, can I have a word? Okay so, like, we know you’ve seen us naked and all and you may or may not have rocked the boat a considerable amount of times, but it’d be really neat if you maybe still treated the situation with a little ummm…restraint? I think that’s the word I’m going for. It’s like, yea, you’ve been over to the house a few times but that doesn’t mean you barge in unannounced whenever you’re in the neighborhood. Call ahead. Knock politely. Be invited in. This is all my way of telling you to feel me up over my clothes. Yep. Do you know how hot that is? I mean, if we have the time. If we’re on a tight schedule, feel free to pull my panties to the side and have at it. Otherwise, rub all over my body wondering how I could feel this amazing with all those Philly cheesesteaks I eat. Like you’ve never felt a body as soft and perfect. Like you’re not quite sure what’s waiting under my shirt. 

Copy/Paste and file under: Ways To Make Chicks That Already Want You REALLY FUCKING WANT YOU. 

Sidenote: I know this dude who trims his nails regularly because “you never know when you might end up fingering some bitches” and that’s real talk. Keep your shit in check , Edward Scissorhands! 

I really didn’t see myself using Bennigan’s or potato skins throughout this post, I promise but here goes. You want fingering to be an “appetizer” that you/your lady could possibly get full from. Fingering is not chips and salsa (though, I have nearly undone my belt over good pico de gallo). Fingering should be so thorough, you consider canceling your entree. You should be asking for a doggie-bag as soon as the steak hits the table. You hear me? 

Alright, so, we’ll start with my favsies. It begins with your typical seated, side by side make out position. It works best when the chick is leaned over onto the dude because his approach is going to be from the backdoor. Yep, take the road less traveled, dudes. It makes all the difference. And ladies, it’s totally appropriate to grind and do all that’s necessary on a finger (or two). You have to play your part in all this too. There’s not much else to all this. Things just feel different from behind. From there, ladies, you could lean further in and lay closely (or in his lap with legs perpendicular) on your back. Still kissing, of course. Because I’m REALLY into kissing. While she’s in your lap or laying next to you, dudes, you have a really good angle on her hands (literally). Use your index and middle finger inside her vagina and thumb to stimulate her clitoris. Don’t be afraid to use that bit of your palm from middle finger to thumb (in place of the thumb). If you create a nice rhythm, the palm can stimulate areas around the clitoris a single thumb may miss. If I was into offering you more information than you need, I’d tell you that when I masturbate I do this exact “move”, but I’m a little classier than that. 

Now that things are warmed up, it’s time to spread ‘em, ladies. Dudes, hop right there in the middle. From this point forward all finger techniques can come complete with tongue, but should do fine without. This is a test of skill, gents. We’re still using index and middle but feel free to add the ring finger too. It’s a party! To make things exciting, hit her with the rapid fire. In and out. In and out. In and out. BAM! (If you hold her lower abdomen down firmly with your free hand, it will make it difficult for her to squirm and a wonderful “I have no control. Where is my control?” feeling emerges). Then slow it down. Insert your two fingers with your palm facing down, turn your hand so that your palm faces her thigh and exit. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. While turning, flick her clitoris with your thumb for bonus points. 

I’m going to assume you all know about the “Come Hither” motion where two fingers are inserted and given the “Come and get it” ninja-like flick. That’s supposedly going to stimulate the G-spot but I think it’s apparent I’m a non-believer thus far. 

Once you’re hydroplaning in her lady lane (possibly getting too good at this sex writer thing, y’all), sandwich her clitoris between your middle and index finders (palm down). Squeeze ubergently, moving up and down slightly. Do that a few times then slip ‘em into the vaj. Slip out. Slip in. Slip out. Slip in. Make this all as fluid as possible. It’s all about creating a rhythm. 

Finally, I feel obligated to at least shout out the anus in this post. If you’ve never ventured there before, I wouldn’t suggest springing in on her. Her natural reaction will be to clench up and depending on dat ass you may lose a pinky. But if/when she’s prepped, ready and relaxed, Two in the Pink, One if the Stink can be good times. Note, fingers that venture into the butt shouldn’t make there way into the vagina at any time for fear of infection. You don’t want it to burn when she pees. 

Aaaaaaaaand I’m out. 

The lesson here, ladies, is get yours while the gettin’s good. And dudes… make the gettin good, k?

Christine 

LIKE  ASK 

A little bit ago someone suggested that my sex life must be magnanimous given the things I write about. As a result, I feel I need to assure you all that that is not the case. I mean, assume what you will about how awesome I am in bed, because I’m not going to tell you otherwise regardless of how true or false it may be. I just don’t want you all going around thinking I’m performing oral pleasures on a hand stand three nights a week. It’s only one night a week and I save the whips, chains and anal beads for major holidays. A girl can only take so much, ya know?

Just understand that most of my sex life takes place in a bed… or sometimes a car, because that’s just the way life works out sometimes. It’s my homage to Wonder Years. At any minute I feel like The Boy may ask me to go steady and wear his varsity jacket. And you’re all just jealous because I’m the most popular girl in school! So, yea, I don’t share all these stories and give all this advice so you’ll run off and strap yourself into some freaky sex swing or subscribe to Big Boned MILF porn (don’t pay for porn, silly). I write SEXURDAY and the like to open up your minds to some things you may not have considered  (or things that were prematurely filed under “stuff I just don’t do”) and let you know that someone, somewhere is wondering exactly what you’re wondering, fucking up in the same way you’re fucking up and pondering deeply whether or not she liked that finger in her butt last night. 

If this is the only place where you’ll consider, even for a second, the meeting of finger and butt then so be it. 

Alright so this isn’t technically a SEXURDAY post. It’s kinda like SEXURDAY but pertaining solely to female to male oral pleasures. I’m hoping to make it a regular thing but you guys know me so, we’ll just see how it goes. The first SEXURDAY I ever wrote was about giving head and revealed some of my best moves. Read that shit! I didn’t write it for my health. Lucky or unlucky enough—and The Boy is going to give me crap for mentioning this (I hate that he can read sometimes) —these days I’ve found myself dealing with the polar opposite of Missy Elliot’s “One Minute Man”, know what I’m tom’bout? This means I have lots of time for improvising, trying new things and reporting back to you all. So, like, I don’t really know what I’m talking about, but I sorta do and I came up with a little something. Open up a blank Word document and prepare your copy/paste fingaz! 

I’m going to ask you to do some things and you’re going to feel silly. 

Take your right hand and make a fist. This is a penis. 

Take your left hand and pretend you’re making it talk like a puppet with four fingers over your thumb. This is your mouth. 

The goal with this particular trick is to create an uncanny amount of tightness and wetness without causing irreparable damage to your lips. It’s concentration is on the head of the penis.  

Take your fist and place it inside your puppet mouth (midway, before the webbed fold) now close down on your fist and slowly pull the fist away. Repeat this motion until you think you can see what I’m getting at. On the puppet hand, the thumb is your tongue and the top four fingers are the roof of your mouth. You use your tongue to close off the back of your throat where that dangly thing that I don’t feel like Googling is. This puts pressure on the penis, causing it to be pushed away slightly. Then you release your tongue a bit (the back of the throat should remain “closed off”) and tighten, release then tighten. Bob your head up and down and you’ll get a groove going. I know this probably doesn’t make much sense, but if you try it, you’ll see what I’m talking about (let’s hope). Do not bite him (watch those front Chicklets!). And focus the movement down the center of your palate as the teeth lining either side could prove dangerous. For whatever reason, probably because your tongue is all outta wack throughout the act, there will be spit. LIke, a “Whoops! My bad.” amount of spit but since when is that an issue? 

Anyways, I wish I had the courage to demonstrate this on a water bottle or something in a video. Just know I thought about it. That’s how much I care and how kick ass I think this move is. Also, I’ve decided to title it the “Chinese Finger Trap”, ‘cause you know how you’d pull your finger out and it’d get sucked back in? But mostly it’s just an awesome sex move name. Chinese Finger Trap. Yep, it is written. 

Hey, let me know if my explanation of this makes no sense. OR if you put it to use, let me know what your lover buys you in appreciation.  

Christine

QUESTIONS/COMMENTS GO HERE

I’ve been getting back talk about the length of SEXURDAYs past so, I’ll heed your advice and keep ‘em short(er) and sweet from here on out. As always, feel free to hit me with suggestions/corrections/input of any kind. But like, let’s not get crazy. Take to your own blog if you feel like somethin’ ain’t right, k? K. 

Have you ever had sex while watching the movie 300? No? At first thought, this may seem unusual but upon further consideration, it’s kind of the greatest combination of things. Togas, spears, sweat, dirt and hot dudes with otherworldly abdominals saying, “Dude, we’re about to fuck your shit up!” in a kind of poetic way… are you not turned on? Now, imagine all of that with a penis or vagina at the ready. I know, right? You don’t know what to do with yourself!

Call me crazy but I can only hope that one day you’ll experience the odd desire to have “This is Sparta!” whispered ever so forcefully in your ear. 

What would you all do if this post was really about having sex to 300? If I came up with a solid four paragraphs listing the ups and downs and backwards and forwards of having sex to 300, what would you say? I wanna try it now just to see ‘cause I know somebody would hit me with the “OMg, your* a genius. U just said all that I’ve been thinkin!! Ur Amazing! :)” and a small piece of me would die. It would chuckle first, but die all the same. The internet is a funny place is all I will say about that. And too, this isn’t a post about having sex to 300, but, I mean, if you own it or whatever I’m not saying DON’T. Use your own judgement. 

That means DO IT in Christine speak.

Anyways, I’ve come to realize now, a few weeks removed, that it may not have been so much about the movie as it was the moment and the position and all that junk in between. I was fresh off of two fat ass hot dogs playing little spoon on the couch while getting my belly rubbed. We’d both seen the movie a few billion times and passed the time translating their ancient Greek conversations into more modern times, which apparently means lots of profanity with an emphasis on the words “bitch” and “nigga”. Then, not-so-suddenly, I’m watching Leonidas and his chick get it on and my vagina is like, “NOW, WAAAAIT JUST A GOLDARN MINUTE!!!” 

An ex-friend of mine once told me a story of some horrible sex she’d had once where she and some dude tried seemingly every position to find the magic. She exclaimed, “It didn’t even feel good from the side! Everything feels good from the side! Even the worst sex…”. I remember nodding affirmatively, adding a “Yea girl” without really being sold on the thought. At the time, I’d tried it but was fairly unimpressed with the position as a contender among others. This was back in the day when I was getting my Lady and the Tramp on. But like, less lady more tramp. You get it. I find now that the position requires a certain level of intimacy in order to be worthwhile and the sex I was having then had “Intimacy sold separately” written in really small letters on the box. 

But I’m lying. It was in a legible print. I purposely left my glasses at home (hope y’all be followin deeze analogies, son! I’m dropping knowledge). 

Sure, anyone can fuck from the side. But I say having sex from the side is not worth it in the world of “fucking”. If you’re fucking, get fucked! Bend over right in front of your dresser (with a mirror preferably) and twerk your back out. More than likely, if you’re just fucking, the very things that make side-sex so great are the very things you won’t be getting. 

Now, if you’re a dude and don’t know that chicks love body to body contact (chest to chest, back to chest) during sex, throw your blow-up doll in the recycling bin and get with it! What makes side-sex so great is the fact that it can start organically from your typical cuddling situation. One minute you’re getting some nice little neck kisses and “BAM!” a side of penis! For whatever reason, ladies, dudes like to think their masters of the land and can find their way to your vagina fifty feet away blindfolded, but in this instance— where your legs are laying on top of one another and your vag is seemingly closed for business— they will need help. Let your lovah try on his own for a bit for his pride’s sake then help him out by poking your butt out slightly and lifting your top leg. And he’s in it! 

I don’t know if my excitement for this position is ill-founded. Maybe it’s due to the fact that “the boy” is kinda new and I’m kinda really into him or whatever, but I’d like to think I’m a tad too gangsta for that. BUT it IS the combination of all of my favorite things. It’s kinda like you’re napping cause you’re laying comfortably BUT there’s dick involved and you’re getting hugged and kissed and maybe a little tittie tugging… I don’t know. Don’t listen to me. 

ooOOo! Also, there is something so hot about kissing at bad angles during sex, ya know? Like, from behind when you look back and he comes forward and you kiss at this terrible slant that doesn’t even allow you to get all of your lip in there but it doesn’t matter ‘cause you don’t even really know up from down at the moment. Maaaaaaaan! That sloppy mess is a complete turn on for me. But maybe that’s just me. 

At any rate, side-sex is a great transition into some scissor-legged situations and doggie-style if that’s what you’re into. Try also letting your lovah swing on top for a bit (with you still at your side for the most part) and hook your top leg around his hip/waist. If you’re feeling acrobatic throw that leg over his shoulder! Look at you! If you can manage to swing it over his head and alternate shoulder, you’d be back at home base, or the missionary position. I worry that some of you find yourselves bored during intercourse without actually taking the easiest steps to amplify things. Just don’t start in missionary all the fucking time! That’s a step in the right direction. And I guess that was really the moral of this whole story. 

Go break some bed frames!

Christine 

QUESTIONS GO HERE

*purposely misspelled/mis-used to enhance comedic value 

FIRST, WATCH THE VIDEO! 

I don’t mean to belittle the importance of losing one’s virginity (or taking someone’s virginity) by saying things like “It doesn’t’ matter who you lose it to. Who gives a fuck?”. I only say that to assure you that losing your virginity is your decision and no one else’s business. Lose it with whomever you deem appropriate according to your own requirements, cool? Cool. 

Onto talks of blood and pain. As I said, it will hurt. It hurt for me and most of my friends. You may be different. You may be the same. Likely, the same. Take comfort in knowing that your body is meant to stretch to such proportions and produce enough lubricant for you to survive. I promise. The blood comes because your hymen breaks. Well, breaks…stretches..I don’t know the details. Google it. But it is likely that you will bleed and it will be embarrassing because your partner isn’t into your blood on his sheets. Or your blood on your sheets. Just, your blood anywhere, dude. It’s gross. But prepare him beforehand and perhaps put a towel down (so your mattress isn’t ruined) as a precaution. 

If you use tampons or are fingered fairly regularly (with like, a two finger minimum) things may hurt less for you and what a joy that will be! I wasn’t a heavy tampon user as a V-card holder but what a gift that was afterward. Life’s little joys. 

There will be lots of discomfort during your first time but you shouldn’t let that hinder future endeavors because as you may have read here previously, sex can be good times. However, it’s important to note: sex will not be fabulous every time after your first either. Now you’re confused, right? I’m just sayin’ sucky sex is everywhere. There are adult women having sucky sex every day. There should be awareness ribbons. It’s real and it’s out there. Just make sure YOU know what the fuck YOU’RE doing so that you can point out sucky sex at first sight. 

In the video I suggest not giving much thought to positions on the first time. I say this because it’s probably safest for the girl to be at her most relaxed. This takes lots of trust in your partner, because, as a woman, you don’t have much control in missionary. For this reason, some would suggest the girl get on top. I say that’s phooey (did you know “phooey” is a real word? Did you know “phooey” is spelled with a “ph”?). First of all, riding takes a certain finesse a newbie does NOT have. There is no convincing me otherwise. Secondly, gravity will not be a friend to a woman on top for her first time. I honestly feel like missionary is best BECAUSE the woman is in less control. She won’t want to continue pushing herself because it hurts. She’ll need the guy to “force her” (using this loosely, you shouldn’t actually be forcing anything, guys) to take necessary steps forward, ie; allowing him to put more of himself inside. Get it? Mmkay. 

Dudes, like I said, don’t go into this expecting too much. I remember the guy I lost mine to asking me mid-stroke if I wanted to flip over and I said, “NO!”. He asked if I’d like to try a few other things. I said, “NO!”. Don’t ask her for shit, you understand me? You’re toughing this one out in order to get to future moments where you can sling her against the wall and whatnot, but that ain’t tonight. Note also, she must be prepped and primed for this occasion. Pull out all the stops. This means your fingers and/or (AND) tongue may need to take a trip down south, ya feel me? Things go better too if she actually likes you so, even if you’re an asshole and you both know it, put on a smile for the night. Sell the dream. Or at least try. 

Ladies, one last word to you all. This is something I struggle articulating even to myself, but I want you to know that you will lose something else, something very important, on the night you lose your virginity. I try to warn all my V-carded friends of this before they enter into the Land of the Lost so here goes. You will lose your Natural Stopping Point. Yep, I just made that up. Your Natural Stopping Point (NSP) is that instinct you have, while still holding your V-card, to stop intimacy with the opposite sex before things go too far. See right now, you’re a virgin so, you have no desire to just allow any old hook-up into your panties (because no one gets into your panties). But imagine a world where your vagina has been around the block. Well, not around the block, but like, across the street. She’s seen a little bit. She knows a little bit. She wants it a little more. She’s a little harder to control. She convinces you of things and then BAM! You have a penis inside you and your legs aren’t even shaved! Or worse, you’re not even really into this dude he’s just a good kisser. 

It’s real, folks. NSP is real. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

That’s all for now, 

Christine :)

QUESTIONS GO HERE! 

Oh! And shoutout to my internet buddy, Rebekan Christie (@ChristieLover) CHARMEDFEATHERS.COM. 

Sometimes I hate 2011. Even with all it’s technological advancements, there are times when I can’t stand this day and age. Those times are typically moments when this day and age fails me miserably. 

I can’t stand people and their opinions all over the internet (yea yea yea…we’ll pretend this isn’t my blog filled with my opinions…on the internet). I hate when newscasters reference Twitter. I hate that my computer is filled with my face stretched and pinched at various angles. I hate that sometimes I post my ten best angles on Facebook. I hate that I can’t explain Foursquare without sounding really dumb. “You can like, tell people where you are… and stuff”. I hate that people put you on hold for lack of service upon entering an elevator. Like, really? In 2011? I hate that the “a” key on my Blackberry doesn’t work, which I admit is more of a personal problem but I can kinda complain about whatever I want ‘round these parts. And on that note,  I hate that I have a toaster, an oven and a toaster oven yet had to tong two slices of bread over an open flame yesterday morning to get some crunch with my breakfast. Movies are in 5D but I can’t make toast! I hate that a couple of weeks ago I found myself trapped in the stairwell on the twenty-fourth floor of a high-rise building. I hate that you never have cell phone service when you REALLY need it. And not I’m-locked-out-of-the-house need it, but like, Tom Hanks in Castaway and near-tears-up-and-down-a-stairwell-wondering-when-your-life-became-a-sitcom need it. 

What I’m trying to say is don’t ever get too comfortable in these streetz…. and always carry pen and paper if by any chance you need to slip a “TRAPPED IN THE STAIRWELL !!!!!” message under a door. 

BUT there are times when technology comes through in the clutch. Times like the onset of a long distance relationship OR two horny individuals with no gas money OR two hard working individuals with nothing but a company monitored computer, picture messaging and a dream. Technology takes the world of sex to a whole ‘nother level, setting pictures of erect penises a scroll or two away from overabbreviated texts from your dad and Red Box coupon codes. Shits crazy! 

Before doing the digital “do” always take into consideration that any and all of what you do could be captured, saved, shared, linked, alladat! Like, yea yea yea you guys are in love TODAY but, I mean, bad things happen to good people. What did I say about never getting too comfortable? Right. And what are the chances that you’re really in love? Let’s be real. Truth is: most often it takes the least amount of convincing for people to do the most damaging things. So, let’s play “Day in the Life” and say for instance your lover texts: “Shake something’!” You decide that you have enough time and the right kind of underwear to stage the perfect nudie. Personally, I don’t do vag photos. Vaginas aren’t cute and I just can’t stomach the idea of sending mine through any kind of wires or airwaves or cyberspace or outer space or the like. But boobs! Boobs and butt are a “can do” for me. 

Alls ya gotta do is stroll on over to the nearest mirror, snap and send. I would advise you to cover up any tattoo, recognizable piercing or birth mark/scar. You may say, “Christine, why suddenly so cautious?”. BECAUSE BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE and once upon a time taking this little precaution saved me from an ass whooping and a lifetime of shame and ridicule. So, just do what I say, okay? 

In addition, it’s shouldn’t alert you that these photos are supposed to be sexy. Meaning you want to look at least half way decent. I’m not talking full blown hair and make-up but you ARE in complete control of the visual you’re sending. Take advantage. Allow yourself more than one take. Bob, weave, and bend in whatever position gets things looking right. Note also, that there is a possibility this man (if he isn’t in a committed relationship with you or doesn’t really respect you…you know the ones, don’t kid yourself) will forward naked pictures to their friends. Any man will verify this information. I’ve seen a few naked strangers in my phone. Don’t play yourself. 

The best pictures though, are the ones sent unexpectedly. If you’ve done the cell pix thing one too many times, I’d suggest taking things straight to your computer. Open up that webcam, shoot something very niiice (an all-fours profile shot, perhaps? Just a suggestion) and send it to his/her email at work or wherever. Slap a NSFW on that sucka for good measure and prepare for a reply that includes a winky-faced emoticon. 

Now, phone sex takes things up another notch. I’ve never been good at it until recently. Well, I’m still not good at traditional phone sex actually, but I’ve discovered a form that works for me. Basically, If I have a mind to do so, I will call my lover while masturbating and or start masturbating during otherwise normal phone conversations. See, it was always the awkward “So where are you touching yourself now?” setup that I couldn’t get with. I’ve found that my way is much more organic. It’s like the “well I was here anyway and called to see if you wanted anything” of sex.  Imagine your lover complaining about how Apple charged him $19.95 for an ipod charger and suddenly hearing familiar sounds of pleasure through his receiver. Mmhm. 

Onto Skyp/iChat sex, which is the sign of things getting real. Realer than real. Cause it’s like being in person but not because it’s just not and there’s a screen so it’s kinda like porn except you know the person and you can ask ‘em to do stuff but that’s awkward and you’re naked (or thinking about getting naked) and your teddy bear and framed pictures of family are shamefully watching behind you and blah blah blaaaah! But sometimes you gotta grab life by the balls and bare all on the interwebs. If you find that you’re the one initiating things, I’d just start things off by removing a piece of clothing. Your top is a good place to start. Carry on casually this way as if it’s all good. Smart people can read between the lines. If smart isn’t what you look for in a lover, take off your panties first/whip out your dick. That kinda spells things out. 

Video chat sex basically consists of both parties DYI’ing while watching the other. Yep, as uncomfortable as it sounds until you’re actually in it. The most important thing to keep in mind is the visual, ‘cause that’s kinda all you got working for you in this scenario. After establishing that yes, you are really about to do this, lay flat on your back with your computer at your side. You want boobs in frame and cooter and hands out of frame. The camera should be set up so you’re visible from at least brow to boobs, but preferably, brow to upper abs. With your lower body out of frame, you could actually be touching yourself or faking the funk if you just can’t get past certain psychological blocks. For most dudes, the excitement of bitches even getting naked on the computer, bare tits and a hot face are more than satisfactory, but you will stumble upon those that need to see a little more. If that’s you, push your computer back so you’re visible from head to butt, flip over to your stomach, pivot your chest outward so boobs are still in play, put a finger or two or three down into your sacred space and go for a ride** (if you have not ridden your own fingers during masturbation, that is your homework). You still have the pleasure of not going spread eagle on video chat, but he’s getting the chance to see more you and more action. It’s a win win. 

Last but not least, if you’re a certain kinda girl dealing with a certain kinda man under certain kinda circumstances a request to stick foreign objects into your vagina may spring up. And ya know, crazier things are happening in the world. Just take all precautions. For example, I’m looking at my dresser and see my Summer’s Eve spray bottle sitting there. It’s the perfect height and width for a “prop” but the cap would come off all too easily. BOOM! Yeast infection. Use things with twist off caps and secure said cap as tightly as possible. I’ve also heard of people using food items like bananas and cucumbers and ummm yea, that’s probably an okay idea maybe. I don’t know. We just strolled right on over my area of “expertise” so, ask Google. 

I’m done, 

Christine 

** You could also ride facing away from the computer if you’re dealing with an ass man.

** If all of this is ALL too much to wrap your head around, just stick with bare boobs and sit the computer on your stomach. This way you’ll be looking up into the screen or camera in the same way you’d be looking up at him if it were the real thing. And the two of you can just talk about how you love strarring into each other’s eyes or something. 

QUESTIONS GO HERE!

I got “No Strings Attached” for my 11th birthday and listened to it every day after for quite some time. Ladies, I know you know this tune.