I nearly lost it a few nights ago. Tempted to lie in bed feeling sorry for myself, I decided instead to straighten my hair and repeat affirmations in the mirror. I’ve found that affirmations only help when I’m actually in a good, healthy frame of mind. No positive phrase can uplift me when I look like Medusa and am desperately contemplating whether love will ever find me.
Affirmations: having to remind yourself of things that are apparently true. Christine, you are worthwhile. Christine, you are beautiful. Christine, the sky is blue. Well, don’t I feel dumb when it seems the REAL truth is Christine, you are ALONE.
So naturally, the consumption of large amounts of chocolate followed as Coldplay whispered through my speakers. I sit and wonder when it was that a man’s voice became just what I needed to get to sleep and, more importantly, why there’s no alcohol in my fridge.
**I just discovered this unfinished post amongst the clutter on my desktop and I’m happy to report I no longer feel this way. Not tonight at least. I was going to finish the post, but I was way too deep in my feelings. Instead I’ll take the opportunity to look at myself from the outside and hopefully make some sort of meaningful commentary. Ready? Mmkay….
I remember killing time between classes one morning, indulging in a little girl talk with a friend. For whatever reason we ended up on the subject of break-ups and shared a healthy giggle at just how girly girls can really be. She recalled a time when her good friend called her over for no specific reason and she entered the apartment to find her mopping the floors, sobbing.
Typically, the first sign of boy troubles = cleaning + inconsolable tears. Although, as previously stated, I enjoy straightening my hair while I cry. Like most women, losing a guy tends to fuck with my esteem a smidge. In turn, I feel the need to reassure myself that I’m “worthy” by making myself as outwardly beautiful as possible. Call me crazy.
Which brings me to my point: why are women so damn crazy? We all know how crazy we can get within a relationship, but my oh my does the crazy crank itself up when the relationship is put to rest. We go through days of “woah is me!” not helped by the fact that in some cases we have to see this man as we walk to class or, even worse, he’s under some impression we can “remain friends” (sure we can, but not two days after the breakup, you BIG DUMMIE!) and still hits you up for mindless chit chat. I had to tearfully remind my last boo “Hey! I’m still in love with you, and you don’t want me so uhhh it’s going to take me a minute before I give a shit about what you have to say”. I thought that was fair. At least I didn’t go on a deleting spree this time. I tried to remain as mature as possible and stomach his tweets throughout my timeline. Tweets that had nothing to do with me, loving me, missing me and everything to do with him skipping through life happily eating cupcakes and flirting with bitches. Awesome. Twitter + breakups = THE DEVIL!
The more important question here may be: “Why AREN’T men so crazy?” In the beginning all guys want is to spend time. The phone never stops vibrating and, if you’re like me, you have a library of cakey texts stored somewhere. When the relationship is in full swing it seems as though feelings are mutual. I care for you, you care for me. Why then, when it has dissolved, does it seem like men are peachy-keen, while women are left wallowing in a dark room, consumed with figuring out what went wrong?
Could it be that men don’t care what went wrong because they have no intentions to fix it? Could it be that the feelings were never truly mutual? How can guys move on so quickly?
My guess is that it all comes down to the way men are wired. There is something inside them, pride maybe, that keeps them from showing that they care when the relationship is over. Though it seems they don’t care at all, I can’t say that’s entirely true when in my experience they return weeks, maybe months later. He may not be sure of what he’s done wrong, but the point is: he came back. It’s up to you to judge what it is he comes back for. If you all have sex before working out your issues, then he came back for sex. That’s a whole other blog post.
Why do men never want to talk about the fight, the break-up? Ya’ll know damn well that’s ALL we want to talk about! Men call with nearly nothing to say, hoping the conversation can be how it always is, relaxed and natural; while women wait on the other side of the phone for an apology or some acknowledgement of the fact that uuhhhh WE ARE NOT A “WE” ANY LONGER.
So, could it be that it’s just not within a man’s biological make up to care, to go “crazy”? I’m thinking….yes. Men will never care, or give any particular situation as much attention as a woman. Period.
Your thoughts are welcomed….
That’s just where I’m coming from
***It’s important to note that I’m talking about all kinds of romantic/intimate relationships, not limited to exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Lord knows how rare those are these days.