You know those times when a funny memory is triggered at the sight of a certain place or bite of a certain food or whiff of a certain scent liquor? I may be alone in this but times like these are my favorite times, just, ever! Like, laughing to myself about something only I understand or remember at a time or place that is more than likely extremely inappropriate—you guys! Fuck catching the clock at 11:11. Fuck “see a penny, pick it up”. Fuck trains that run express when I’m late for work. Laughing to myself at my own expense in an unlikely public forum is the greatest combination of things. At school, I had tons of these moments to keep me busy through a day of classes. If the weekend was a full-blown Wed-Sat marathon, there were likely things I didn’t remember Sunday that would come to me in a flash Monday morning and leave me Home-Aloning my face in the back row of Public Speaking. 

Some of the best of these moments came as a result of sex. Duh! Ok, so, like, do we all know what “sex-legs” are? Not sure why I asked, ‘cause I’m certain I just made it up. Anyway, sex-legs are what you’re left with after a night of serious sexing. The sex was more unusual (new positions, etc), lasted longer or was  more strenuous on your body (thighs specifically). The good part about sex-legs is that they don’t leave you completely crippled no matter how hard your lover may have tried. But, the positive quickly turns south as the day goes on and your legs are put to the test. “The test” being climbing stairs and sitting in chairs. Funnily enough, stairs and chairs are what most college campuses have in excess. 

So, imagine you leave your house jolly and fine. A bitch just had sex last night, gon’ girl!! You reach your classroom building amidst the huddled masses and are shocked to discover you may need the elevator. 

Y’all! I think the laughter comes to mask the pain. We were fine the whole way over, what’s the issue? My legs are so shocked at the sudden debilitating weight of my body. They’re confused and asking questions. Suddenly, I think I need to go home. A chick isn’t even killing these steps on a good day. I don’t need more excuses to take my time. What else can I do but laugh and move  right to let people pass. I take the widest possible turns on each landing before the next flight. I’m 5 minutes late and can’t imagine getting up to leave after what it took to bend down into the desk chair. 

I’d typically spend the whole class giggling about how ridiculous life is and wondering what specific act during the sex left me in such a predicament. Then I’d text my roommate: “We’re gonna start working out after we finish those frozen pizzas, mmkay?” 

So, ladies, if you’re like me and have a figure maintained by skipping breakfast, leaving the food pyramid up to a plate of nachos and keeping your fingers crossed, we’re getting our acts together right this minute. Because there are those times when you’re on top and the P isn’t giving up the goods. Most ladies have a limit for the amount of time they can take on top—that moment when you really can’t muster up one more bounce, twerk, grind, shake, hiccup, nothing! My last lover would let me rock it til’ the wheels fell off. I’d say, “Baby, I’m tired” and he’d say, “I know. I can feel you shaking”. Well, damn! Hop in here any time, buddy. The person who can do the most push-ups, does all the work is my rule (See also: person who owns running tights and person who wears watch capable of assisting in minor surgery). Even still, I’d like it if I could do maybe ten push-ups (or five).  

Ok, onto the workout, which I made up randomly. I’m not Googling shit (proper names of body parts or muscles or none of that) so, deal. 

First is my favsies because I do it in my heels. Does anyone else wear their heels around the house when no one’s home? No? Well, in my life and times I’ve done lots of naked (and underweared) dancing in front of the mirror. I just enjoy it. And I think I’m going to make that a requirement for this exercise. Because you should like the way you look and be able to relish in it especially if you’re wanting someone else to. [And it will definitely help build your esteem. I remember when I was in high school and a little younger I had such an issue with my stretch marks. Now, I think I’ve stared them down so often, I don’t even notice them.] So, turn on a song of your choice, preferably up-beat. Put your heels on and get ready to do some squats! The heels will help keep your whole leg engaged in trying to maintain balance and your legs will look great in the mirror because everything looks better in heels. Do one squat and come up. Half of that is what we’re shooting for. Position yourself at the halfsies mark and stay there. Now, bounce from that position down to a full to the beat of the music. Do that for an eight count then come all the way up on one leg (knee still slightly bent on the standing leg), and wiggle the other leg to the side for four counts. I mean, I do a dirty girl dancing in the club wiggle but if “Hokey Pokey” wiggle helps you picture it, fine. Essentially, you’re dancing. It’s supposed to be fun. Switch legs. Wiggle the other then get back down into that squat bounce. This may not sound like much, but, honey, in 4-5 inches, two songs will be pushing it. Two songs, 6-8 minutes a day. That’s a quick little sweat to start or end the day.  

After the squats, do however many push-ups you’re comfortable with and slowly build up over days or weeks or whatever. I’m at three! Haven’t decided yet whether doing them on the bed makes it easier or more difficult. My body isn’t ready for it either way. In my mind, push-ups on the bed would better prepare you for real world application, ya know? But what do I know?

It would also behove us to strengthen our core muscles which is where all the power behind our “stroke” comes from. Planking  for 30 seconds is a good quick way. Too, you can lay on your back and lift your legs up a few inches off the ground (ankles together) and hold this position. Lift your legs up until your lower tummy burns a little. You can hold that position for 30 seconds and call it a day. Or grab a ball or whatever you have in your house (a weight, whatever), lift it over your head (with both hands) and bring the ball down and legs up to meet. Lower your legs but don’t let them touch the ground. Repeat. 

Sound like a good place to start, right? I’m jealous of all of you out there that can run for miles and all that jazz. Must be nice. I know some of you are going to ask “What’s the normal limit for time on top?” It shouldn’t be any brief amount of time. Nowhere in the seconds. Longer than a few minutes. Ideally you should be able to bring it on home on top. Like knowing how to build a fire, it’s a survival skill. Times might get hard. Famine may sweep the land. Your lover may have less enthusiastic days. Sprained ankle. Bad sandwich. What’s a girl to do? Live without? Ummmm… 

Any questions about certain positions ailing you? Need tips on how to make certain things work better for your body or environment or whatever? Let’s come up with something!

ASK

Christine