Blind Pursuit
posted 4 months ago
The other day I was answering an advice question about how exactly to put the moves on a hottie you only “know” on the internet. My first piece of advice was to cool your jets. Don’t use words like “pursue” so as not to engage any girl-crazy that might try to sneak through. Stick to friendlier language like “get to know better”. The former sounds like a Starbucks date while the latter screams, “That better be his sister in this profile picture!”. Later in my reply I realized that getting her crushes attention would indeed be a kind of pursuit. It was going to take time and patience and precise movements. It was going to take conscious effort.
This all became a reality for me the other day when I was hit on (yet again) by a guy we’ll call Bob. Bob has the most lackadaisical approach to dating I’ve ever seen. Though I would never look twice at him typically, I couldn’t help but think, “Free tacos!” when he asked me to dinner. As I think back on guys I’ve dated, almost all of them had known me for a considerable time before the lovin’ ever began. Most of them had to convince me, in one way or another, to date them. I don’t mean they begged, I mean they forced my ass out of the house and into a restaurant or movie theater or bowling alley and worked their magic. I’m just not an easy sell when it comes to dudes. I make it a point to be unimpressed with most people, because, really, most people are unimpressive. Let’s be honest. There are definitely men that catch my attention but so does the color fuchsia and the women’s shoe department at Nordstrom’s and the words “Drink Special!”. I just try to keep it real boss in these streetz. Even still, a small fraction of me held out hope that Bob had some persuasive tactics up his sleeve. But he’s asked me out to dinner three times and a bitch is still hungry!
As you could imagine, I’m not too butthurt about the actual date. Though free Mexican, awkward conversation and a prematurely intimate had on the thigh is always fun, Gossip Girl and chocolate pudding have been working well enough for me. What really bugs me is that Bob makes a point to dominate all time in my presence with flirty conversation. And it’s not even top notch flirty conversation. It’s like, flirting at recess. It’s the equivalent of “Hey what’d you get on that Geography test?”
What sucks is that I know exactly what Bob wants the beginnings of this “relationship” to look like… and it ain’t happenin’! I first saw it when we were both at the same party. Yes, I invited him to the party. But in 2012 one should never assume a text is being sent to them and only them when it comes to a party. Anyway, he walks in the door and thinks it’s going to be the Christine and Bob Show. You know when two people that are crushing on each other/have a strong physical attraction get all drunk and cutesy at a party? Lots of sitting on of laps and sipping of drinks. Lots of making out in dark corners, faux lap dances and “getting fresh air”. Lots of Facebook pictures that shouldn’t be tagged, hand holding and other things that would soon fade if ever you entered into an actual relationship.
Obviously, I had to let Bob know that this wasn’t that. But I’m nice so it was exceptionally awkward having to dance away his hand on my lower back. Of the things I remember from that night, telling him “Don’t touch me!” rings out loud and clear.
What Bob needs to understand is that HE likes ME. Not the other way around. Well, at least not yet. But, probably not ever given that he’s absolutely clueless when it comes to pursuing a woman. Here’s a tip: you have to actually like, PURSUE me! Put forth some sort of effort. Following through on a date would be a place to start but with him I’d hate to see where it could end.
There were two things that Bob did in the very very very beginning that snuffed out the flames of our love before it could even crisp the grilled cheese.
1) Bob asked me “So, like, what do you like to do?”. Of all the possible combinations of words and phrases in all the languages of all the world, this has to be my least favorite. I like to sleep, eat and drink (and drank). I like the internet and bad reality TV. I Facebook and I tweet. I do what everyone does! I hate this question because the answer is never cave diving. It’s never rescuing abused pit bulls from dog fighting rings. It’s never ever teaching blind kids how to tie their shoes. Let us all work hard at trying to find a fitting alternative to this horrid question. I mean, if you ask me what I did today or this past weekend you could get a feel for what I like to do in general, couldn’t you? If not, I’ve taken to answering the question with I rap and design lingerie in my spare time.
2) Bob asked me out on a date then proceeded to ask what I’d like to eat and where I’d like to go. No. No. No, sir. I’ve agreed to the date. That is where my job ends and yours begins. YOU want the date. That is why YOU asked. Whether or not we go on the date doesn’t chafe my cooch in the least, buddy. I have nothing invested. Your job isn’t finished. You now have to woo me with your exceptional date planning skills. It’s really not that hard. And though I appreciate you taking my interests into account, just go for it. I’ll be sure to alert you of any peanut or shell fish allergies.
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- relationships •
- dating •
- advice •
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a-sex-diary said:
Number 2 is SPOT ON!!
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nellysworld reblogged this from thechicagorose
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nellysworld liked this
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fais-moigrimperaurideau reblogged this from thechicagorose and added:
apparently interchangeable
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servedwithasideofgay said:
“Whether or not we go on the date doesn’t chafe my cooch in the least, buddy” lmfao you are my spirit animal <3
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thechicagorose posted this